Wednesday, November 12, 2014

It Came to This.

I've hesitated to give this season in my life a voice. I've floundered with whom to share my pain, with how to share the depth of our reality, of where our path was ultimately winding to. I want to tell you I didn't see our story coming to this.

And yet here we are. We entered our marriage with the vow of in sickness and health and my beloved husband has held true to standing by me through all the sickness. We have yet to experience the healthy years of that vow. We also entered our marriage immediately ready to start a family and began the process of trying to have children together. Unfortunately, our infertility was not just a season. After countless doctors visits, 14 plus surgeries, fertility tests and second and third opinions we have come to realize it is permanent. In about a week and a half I will have a hysterectomy.

I can't express the tears we've shed or the day a walk in the neighborhood brought me to my knees after I received bad news at our fertility clinic simply and then saw a mother pushing her child on a swing set. I've wept one too many times on the bathroom floor at a negative pregnancy test and I've experienced horrific loss every 24 days or so for several years now as I realized my female body had not done it's job for the thousandth month in a row. Yet, I put on a smile to the outside world, my friends, my family, and I carried on.

But now, my voice which I've only shared with so few has to speak up because if I'm honest, I'll tell you that I think I've failed. We live in a society where being a mom, having "the bump," breastfeeding, pregnancy, motherhood- it's all the total package, what womanhood is all about. It shows that you are the ultimate woman.  My whole life- I knew I wanted to be a wife to my husband, to love him, so that I could then be his partner in making and raising a family with him.

For Nate and I there will be no sonograms on our refrigerator, no gender reveal, no chances for my sweet husband to feel our baby kick in my ever expanding belly, no doctors appointment where we are left speechless by the heartbeat, no posted pictures of my "bump."

What there will be is an operating room. Where I will be taken and they will remove the diseased parts that have caused me pain for so long. And when I wake up I will be alone, unable to see Nate at first, raw and recently stripped of my womanhood. What I picture in that moment is darkness and a sadness that i can't imagine overcoming. What I ask from you is prayer. That I will feel the Holy Spirit's presence. That I will feel gentleness and not failure, but peace.

I pray that when I see my husband, my Saint Nate, that I will not feel shame. I pray that I will still feel like a woman. That we will move through this journey of grief together. We ask that the Lord will begin to place joy in our hearts again. That He will bind up our wounds.

We are asking for your prayer. I have been told recovery will take up to three months. Please feel free to send emails, text messages, notes of encouragement, etc to Nate. He needs an army behind him as he takes on the battle of taking care of me. We know not only are we entering into a battle of physical surgery, it is our hearts that will take much longer to find their way to the light again.

A dear friend of mine told me, "it will probably get darker before it gets any easier..." We would have to agree. Right now we are straining to get by but I'm trusting that you all are holding onto the hope for us that we are going to get through this and that we can lean on you because right now I'm not certain of my own footing.

We love you all and will keep you updated with more in a couple days. We are so sad it came to this. You never plan for this.

2 comments:

  1. Katie and Nate, my heart is soooo broken for you guys. The only thing I can cling onto for you and with you is the hope in knowing that God is near to the brokenhearted. You guys are both in our prayers and seriously, and I know it's weird because you don't know me that well, but if you need a meal, jamba, coffee, some strange combination of ethnic foods, please don't hesitate to ask us. We're praying with you!
    -Steve Dang

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  2. Dear, precious, Katie and Nate. My friends this is a hard time. A dark time. But there is GOOD news. Katie, you will not wake up alone. When you wake up from that dreaded operation, the Lord will be with you. And despite what you may feel and fear, your womanhood will not be stripped from you. It is not a womb that makes a woman. Or a uterus that makes a mother. Do not believe the lies that evil may try and surround you with. God has a beautiful hope and future for you. Since the day i met you, you have embodied that word: HOPE. When you wake up from this operation, know that an unseen gathering of prayer warriors fill the room - we will be interceding on your behalf. Know that you wake up from the anesthetic every bit the strong, dignified, proverbs 31 woman that i have come to love. When the pain sets in, cry out to the Lord.

    Psalms 56:8-9b
    You have seen me tossing and turning through the night. You have collected all my tears and preserved them in a bottle. You have recorded every one in your book. The very day I call for help, the tide of battle turns. My enemies flee! This one thing I know: God is for me! I am trusting God - Oh Praise his promises.

    Trust Him for healing, cling to His promises. He is for you.
    In time, both your body and your heart will heal and the new chapter will bring with it fresh desires.

    I love you guys. Katie, you are beautiful.
    x Birdy

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