I've hesitated to give this season in my life a voice. I've floundered with whom to share my pain, with how to share the depth of our reality, of where our path was ultimately winding to. I want to tell you I didn't see our story coming to this.
here we are. We entered our marriage with the vow of in sickness and
health and my beloved husband has held true to standing by me through
all the sickness. We have yet to experience the healthy years of that
vow. We also entered our marriage immediately ready to start a family
and began the process of trying to have children together.
Unfortunately, our infertility was not just a season. After countless
doctors visits, 14 plus surgeries, fertility tests and second and third
opinions we have come to realize it is permanent. In about a week and a
half I will have a hysterectomy.
I can't express the
tears we've shed or the day a walk in the neighborhood brought me to my
knees after I received bad news at our fertility clinic simply and then
saw a mother pushing her child on a swing set. I've wept one too many
times on the bathroom floor at a negative pregnancy test and I've
experienced horrific loss every 24 days or so for several years now as I
realized my female body had not done it's job for the thousandth month
in a row. Yet, I put on a smile to the outside world, my friends, my
family, and I carried on.
But now, my voice which I've
only shared with so few has to speak up because if I'm honest, I'll tell
you that I think I've failed. We live in a society where being a mom,
having "the bump," breastfeeding, pregnancy, motherhood- it's all the
total package, what womanhood is all about. It shows that you are the
ultimate woman. My whole life- I knew I wanted to be a wife to my
husband, to love him, so that I could then be his partner in making and
raising a family with him.
For Nate and I there will
be no sonograms on our refrigerator, no gender reveal, no chances for my
sweet husband to feel our baby kick in my ever expanding belly, no
doctors appointment where we are left speechless by the heartbeat, no
posted pictures of my "bump."
What there will be is an
operating room. Where I will be taken and they will remove the diseased
parts that have caused me pain for so long. And when I wake up I will be
alone, unable to see Nate at first, raw and recently stripped of my
womanhood. What I picture in that moment is darkness and a sadness that i
can't imagine overcoming. What I ask from you is prayer. That I will
feel the Holy Spirit's presence. That I will feel gentleness and not
failure, but peace.
I pray that when I see my husband,
my Saint Nate, that I will not feel shame. I pray that I will still feel
like a woman. That we will move through this journey of grief together.
We ask that the Lord will begin to place joy in our hearts again. That
He will bind up our wounds.
We are asking for your
prayer. I have been told recovery will take up to three months. Please
feel free to send emails, text messages, notes of encouragement, etc to
Nate. He needs an army behind him as he takes on the battle of taking
care of me. We know not only are we entering into a battle of physical
surgery, it is our hearts that will take much longer to find their way
to the light again.
A dear friend of mine told me, "it
will probably get darker before it gets any easier..." We would have to
agree. Right now we are straining to get by but I'm trusting that you
all are holding onto the hope for us that we are going to get through
this and that we can lean on you because right now I'm not certain of my
We love you all and will keep you updated with more in a couple days. We are so sad it came to this. You never plan for this.