Wednesday, March 4, 2015
I don't have eloquent words today and this probably won't end pretty or with some brilliant conclusion. Today, yesterday, the day before that and the last weeks have been desolate. I cry the ugly tears, I bang my head against the wall, my fists are clenched, and I might be better off if I only attempted to breathe into and with the assistance of a brown paper lunch sack. I am severely broken and when I look down and see the mess scattered all around me I have no idea how anything will ever come together. The musician and lyric mastermind John Mayer has a line that says, "I'm in repair--I'm not together but I'm getting there." I have yet to even reach "in repair."
If I let you in a little closer I will say this, things have gone from bad to worse. This operation, although I know it would change me physically and would bring challenges physically and cause me much emotional pain, was supposed to bring me some relief. It has instead caused me to live in my own personal hell. For starters, I'm in as much pain if not more now than I was before having the surgery, except now I have been stripped of my womanhood. In addition, I am struggling through surgical menopause and every last one of its side effects which are 100 times more intense than the natural menopause that all women face at some point and I am only 31 years old. I am unable to start hormones which I don't know yet if that is a good or bad thing but my body has gone on strike against me and since the surgery I have gained inexplicable weight. Just this last week I gained another 6.5 pounds in 7 days time. You have no idea how many hours I have spent crying tears of frustration over this matter. It isn't normal to have put on this weight based on how much I am consuming and I dread leaving the house because I have nothing that fits me, or that I can pull past my thighs, or even worse feeling anxious about being seen only further adds to my state of pain and desolation. Most of you know I suffered from severe anorexia my senior year of high school. God spared my life back then, but the mentality is something I must challenge myself in every.single.day. With day, after day, of added pounds that battle is hard. I am not comfortable in my own skin. Something I have spent the last 13-14 years working on. And even greater than that is when I have nothing to put on I am sent into a full blown anxiety attack every time I leave the house. I'm worried about the cautionary warnings on my hair dryer that say do not use near water because i Can't help but to sob at what life has become in these past few months. I'd like to crawl under the covers and stay there until this whole disaster is over.
So, in other news, the Oscar's made me cry. And not during a moment everyone else may have shed a tear. During Patrica Arquette's acceptance speech, she took a moment to preach about women's rights and equality and while it was poignant, well received, and something that needed to be heard from as large a stage as the Oscar's, the first line as she dipped into women's rights was, " “For every woman that gave birth, to every tax payer, for every citizen of this nation, we have fought for everybody else's equal rights...." After she spoke, I went back and had Nate listen again. With tears streaming down my face, I said "This is why it hurts so bad. For a speech about women she identified them first as mothers. That is our society. We are mamas. We nest, we nurture, it's in our DNA. It's our branding symbol. And not only am I no longer physically a women at such a premature age, I will never join the coveted spot in the mamma's club. Let my body droop, let me have all these lumps and bumps and only be able to wear pajama pants in public, but let it be because I'm also covered in spit-up and vomit and dried up milk, and look a little loony and absolutely sleep deprived, not because of insomnia from menopause but because of a baby who I've had to feed all night and who simply did not want to sleep anywhere but in my arms, while I rocked her in my Daddy's old rocking chair.
The truth is, for everyone, we are never aware of what we have until it is taken away and we no longer have it, or never had a chance for it in the first place. Take for instance some kind of pain or irritation on your toe. It is relatively minor but it is red and a tad bit swollen. There is nothing that can really be done except to just ride it out but no big deal because it's just your toe, right? Wrong. That toe will drive you crazy. Squished in socks and shoes you'll feel it thumping in misery. Leave it out in a pair of flip-flops and someone will inevitably step on it or you'll knock it on something. You were never in your life aware of how great it was to have a healthy ten toes than when something went wrong and one of those normal toes went and threw off your whole game plan.
Well, I am aware. So very aware. For 19 years I have not had my health. When I look out at some of my friends who I'm not sure even go to the doctor other than to get birth control, I am aware of my health and you should be too. I am aware of my ability to have children and to be a mother. I know my chances of having children are obsolete and my likelihood of being a mother is dwindling based on the cost. But, I see beautiful babies all the time and watch my friends get pregnant year after year and study how precious they are as moms. And it is beautiful. I am aware of all the children and mothers around me and you should be too. I'm aware that because of my limitations and disabilities from my illnesses I can't work a regular job and this upsets me greatly because of my degrees I worked so hard to get. Yet, all around me I see my friends and family living their dreams, pursuing their passions, and at the very least making a living for themselves. I am shameful that this is not my reality, but instead mine is medical debt and bill after bill but you should take notice of your hard work and success. Please tell me you do.
My dad sent me a chapter from a Max Lucado book last night, and it really basically said what I was thinking. For so long I've clung to "hope." It has been my strength, my guidance, my rock and right now I feel like I have run out. I know, it scares me too. I know Jesus is my hope and He will restore me to higher ground and lead me out of this thicket where I can't see anything and all I feel is despair but I literally just feel overwhelmed. The one way I am still feel God's presence in this is through a series of worship songs, If any one is interested...let me know and I can send you a copy.
Spring is around the corner and I sincerely hope it is a time where I come out of this dark, dark place. Nate accepted a job offer with the County of Santa Clara and so in two weeks time we will be leaving here. The way I always thought I'd act towards this move didn't happen. Of course, I am thrilled for Nate. He has worked so hard to get where he is but we don't have a big support group down there that understands our lives nor do we have a team of doctor's in place. Also, we thought this remote, work from home job for me was a sure thing and it didn't pan out. I've been sitting here thinking for over 24 hours that I am absolutely good for nothing. I just literally feel disgusted with me and because of that not working out and although his supervisor and director approved his starting salary at a higher level, HR denied the request, so it's possible we will have to live a part for several months while we save up enough money to get a place of our own due to an increase of rent, moving expenses, we just moved a couple of months ago, finding new doctors, having to close all medical debts up here before we leave, etc. I always considered California home, especially San Jose, but right now I have nothing to give. I'm a horrible version of myself and the only people who have ever taken me in like this are Nate, two couples up here in WA and our friends in AZ. I'm embarrassed to show back up in San Jose with nothing to offer, heavier than I've ever been, and beside myself in physical and emotional pain. Please pray for a new job opportunity for me that is feasible for my health and doesn't cause me to over do it, perhaps still with the company it didn't work out with in the first place, for professional writing opportunities, for Nate to finish strong at Boeing, for packing, for financial expenses, and for hope---that it might come back---because I am just so, so broken. I at least want to get to the state of "in repair." rather than being stuck as a discombobulated mess.